this is all im saying..im beginning to doubt my friendship with someone. i dont trust him anymore

cant seem to figure things out

Funny how time flies.. its been two months since i graduated, my bestfriend came back, i am confused with what job im taking.. in short, my life is still a mess because time just flies and i cant seem to keep up..

im just holdin on to the message of the beatles' song: "There's nothing you can know that isn't known.Nothing you can see that isn't shown.NOWHERE YOU CAN BE THAT ISNT WHERE YOU'RE MEANT TO BE."

i am so worried and freaked out right now..

Its been almost two years since I last cried my heart out like this..
I’m staring at my ceiling, thinking about nothing and feeling numb but tears continue to flow and my heart continues to beat fast and hard, like its going to leap out of my chest and get ripped right in front of me by an invisible hand.

This is how life tells me how dumb I have been and still am..

now im left with nothing..
My tears and my pain, its all my fault..

He doesn’t know that I start and end my day with the thought of him
He doesn’t know that I’m happy whenever I see him
He doesn’t know that I love the way his eyes smile every time he speaks
He doesn’t know that I’ll be the first one to cry because of his pain
He doesn’t know that my life revolves around him
He doesn’t know that he’s the reason I am

He doesn’t know that he made a girl’s heart cry last night..
He doesn’t know that the vagueness breaks my heart into pieces
He doesn’t know that I will have to cry for a long time to remove him from my system
He doesn’t know that I long for him despite my bitterness
he will never know..I will never let him knowHe will never know that I once loved him this much.. This is how life tells me how dumb I have been and still am..

just when i have figured out my wants and needs, thats when youwent aloof.. you're the one i want and need.. everythings just too vague, and that vagueness is killing me.. will i invest more or move on?!

2 in one

New year!! No resolutions for me this year, I stopped hoping na tatangkad at papayat pa ko.. hehe joke lang, syempre meron.. I wouldn’t wait na mag new year bago ko mag evaluate sa sarili ko.. I have the whole year to change or do whatever.. Ayaw ko na new year ko lang pag-iisipan ang mga gusto ko baguhin sa buhay at sarili ko.. ok n b un? May isa pa pla, ndi na ko magiging maingay ever, kakalma at ngigniti ngiti na lang ako.. sana makaya ko.. may isa pa pla, ndi ko na papakialaman c gretel, for survival na lang talaga sya.. ndi rude ung gagawin ko, precautionary measure un.. hehe

Sana magkaron ako ng magandang trabaho, Para sa kin after my 4th year in college, my mom’s responsibility to provide for me stops and my responsibility as a daughter begins..
I want my mom to retire this year, she deserves more than what she’s getting now.. Convincing her to retire is a hard battle to win pero that’s a different story na.. She deserves a vacation and a comfortable life without her working her butt off..I promised her a vacation after my first year at work..basta, everytime na aalis kmi laging sya ang gumagastos at alam ko shopaholic ang mama ko before my dad left so ibabalik ko sya sa pagiging shopaholic nya, hehe.. basta pampering to the max ang gusto ko.

Random thought: Ate map give me a year at dadalaw ako dyan, I promised mama na I-ttreat ko sya ng isang bakasyon e, ako ang magbabayad ng buo, niloloko kc nya ko na malamang issubsudize pa rin daw nya un.. basta nxt summer dyan kami, mag-iipon ako.. Lord bigyan nyo po ako ng magandang job, pls po.

___________________________
no progress sa thesis ko.. independence to the nth level kmi sa thesis advisers namin nina rocker at netnet, which is both good and bad...
seperation anxiety... again..
in the span of 2 weeks, my blockmates and i had 2 "parties" (aj's then josh' haus) which turned more into a showdown between rocker and kae kung cno ang mas madaming mainom, cool cla malasing.. as in masaya cla at malutong magmura.
i love my block, theyre good friends (with one exception, of course); we can talk about anything under the sun, from silly stuff to life-changing topics..
ang pinagsisishan ko, bat ngaun lang kmi nagkaganito? eversince naman we know that we can have fun pero wala lang talagang nagyaya, we know that there's something special sa min, sayang ung panahon.. (ang drama)basta they're the bunch na i'm proud na nakilala ko and i hope that the bond stays even after we leave school.. weird, i miss them already, at iniisip ko pa lang to..

unknown

i like solitude.. i've always appreciated my time alone, but i sometimes take it to an unlikely level.. im 2 days home alone. my mom went to pampanga and i chose not to go with her, my brother is at work and i dont think he'll be coming home for christmas eve. My mom will be back on the 25th before the morning breaks.. my cousins invited me to their place to spend the next two days with them, but again i turned them down.. my bestfriend jb even invited me too batangas para dun mag noche buena, pero weird un kasi family reuniion nila un, i would look like his gf, haha..weird tlaga..
it became a part of me.. i was figuratively alone for the first 11 years of my life and after thmy 11th year it became both figuratively and physically most of the time. i dont hate it, i actually like it.. i look for it.. i always wanted my time alone, doing nothing, just staring at thin air, watching dvds, listening to music or walking around.. it actually feels rejuvenating, i feel like im ready for a new week or for school.. its not sad for me, and that is why its weird..
my mom promised that will have fun on the 25th while continuously asking me why the heck do i want to stay at home, she cant believe that i dont really mind. this is my time.. :)

after a long time

i got may wish for christmas!!! dalawa pa... nice thing about it, e nanggaling un sa mga closest friends ko.. ang fun!!
i asked the magic8ball (the other one) tungkol sa isang tao, at consistent ang mga sagot nila..is he gay? "signs point to yes".. magiging kami b pag ligawan ko sya? 'it is certain".. tanga b c shana? " yes, definitely".. db?!?!?!?! nakakainis?!?!?!?!
Fun ung christmas party namin sa polis, tinatamaan nanaman ako ng seperation anxiety at 3 months pa before grad,ano mangyayari pag february na?!